Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green. It does things to a person. Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. RECOMMENDED: New York comedy 2012 My love life is terrible. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. Henry, New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. Everybody loves it. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? They stick to the ground. After all, the pandemic of doom has thrown us all for a wicked awful loop that we need at least a brief respite from. Eve wanted to leave Eden and move to New York, but why? Racist topics make me nervous. Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. Try the New York pretzels. There are over 8 million people in this city. 20. 100. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. Simpson. A single tower fell in Paris., 107. Out of these cookies, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. I love this city; its a great city. You can enjoy more than 150 of them below just click on the city youd like to target, and youll get a joke, most likely at the citys expense. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. A roundup of funny late-night jokes about New York politics and life in New York City, from Jimmy Fallon, David Letterman, and other comedians. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. The trouble with NYC is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. You dont hear about Martians in Harlem. Paul Mooney, You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, This train is being held at the station. And you just sit there, and youre like, God, I wonder what its like to be held? Because youre so lonely. Michelle Collins, I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs the thuglets used to make fun of me. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the Mayor of New York City got to become the Mayor of New York City. Hard to find four innocent people in New York. Will Rogers, Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut. Fred Allen, People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back. Bill Hicks, You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. 107. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. 6. 12. Tell me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns make the list? I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. New York is very rough. Just because he asked them one simple question: "Heard any good jokes lately?" An angel is a child who has died. Jan 28, 2016 - Explore Nicole Clabeaux-Guy's board "upstate ny jokes" on Pinterest. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Welcome! 15. So, yeah. Good call. No matter how many times I visit this great city, Im always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab., 85. She replies where do you get the self control?, Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? 93. Albunny, New York! Its an incredible place to live. The smile looks really good on you. These cookies do not store any personal information. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? And where else can I have so much fun while writing? The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? I could never be married to her. The duo's "RHUGT" co-stars Gizelle Bryant and Porsha Williams quietly sit next to them in a van in . The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. Try the the NYC hotdogs. Dont pee on that., 72. . In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. 59. Thats a lot of votes. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. 178. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him., 55. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone., 34. Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. NYC looks terrible in the mornings. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? I want to be plastic. Andy Warhol, I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light? Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman, Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. David Letterman, In Los Angeles, by the time youre 35, youre older than most of the buildings. Delia Ephron, Its so crowded in Los Angeles these days if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel. Bob Hope, Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I dont have to go to Los Angeles. To wake up oily. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. 141. What is a NYC nanosecond? And lets not tell them either. Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! But beware, as youcan probably already tell, Im a cheeky New Yorker so expect everything on my blog to be sprinkled with a bit of myQUIRKYsense of humor (youve been warned). [Closing doors sound.] New York looks crappy in the mornings. This post may contain affiliate links. Why are we stoppin? Alongside hilarious jokes and . She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. Some are so bad/cringeworthy that theyre actually really good. Im Central Park-ing here. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? Youve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. I live in New York. 2022 in Review. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. Staten Island really floats my boat. Because theres a Delhi on every block. 114. 161. O.J. Whats the only thing that grows in Buffalo? When a blonde moves from New Jersey to New York, what happens? The city that never sleeps. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, Hey, you wanna come talk to my father? Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' 29. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. Required fields are marked *. I would say it was a hard drive., 106. On the University of Buffalo campus, what do you call a good-looking girl? Go Bills! When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Bus Metro Walk. First Time-rs Square is the place to be. Thanks for subscribing! Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. 47. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Its so cold in NYC today that flashers are just describing themselves. Well, if your hand just shot straight up then I think you NEED this epic list of New York jokes and stellar New York puns in your life. Hes a turd., Ive lived in New York City way too long. Nothing twists my mind like New York pretzels. New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Even when they try to be nice, they just cant. 23. The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. It was like a 15-minute walk. The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? [New York] is all sex and violence. Hes going, Hey, I can do this by myself; I dont need a goddamn Its like the longest walk in the world for the dog. Norm Macdonald, I went to Coney Island recently. Mariner Books. 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