A movie? My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. ReginaRey Or pick berries. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability Bagge72 You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Then you may just be spending too much time together. All rights reserved. Isnt that the point of waiting to move in with someone? Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? or just dinner? Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I know many families like this. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? Hes going to choose you. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Five months later I was pregnant. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! . Well. ReginaRey This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. Have a bbq with friends. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. LW real advice. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Oh yeah I forgot about that. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. It sounds pretty nice, to me! you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. On the weekends he spends at When I lived in Paris my host siblings were like that. Its sad, but it happens. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. We just got thru the holidays. Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. lets_be_honest WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. if it works for you, thats all that matters. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. allathian While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. Not youre wrong and you have to change. GatorGirl At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). Ok fine, I actually beg DWers even to move in with me (Im looking at you, rachel!). No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. Which is totally fine for you. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. A lot of family time. Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. Heck, some people are just like that. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. And I think this is the case here. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. ), you also like using your weekends to relax and enjoy the city in a way you dont get a chance to do during the busy week. Bike riding? If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. barf. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Did you guys actually read this letter? Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. At best, a season and a half. when it comes up we just talk about it. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. how do we divide furniture? The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. definitely not enough information here. lets_be_honest However, my husband isnt like that at all. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. Lindsay Yeah, I agree with ron. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. This too. 1. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. Pay careful attention to his reaction. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. Communication people. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. a lot of people just arent that way. . June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. which i think is what youre saying. This is typically how this dynamic functions. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Laura Hope Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. allathian Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy Tax Geek This is how children are taught. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. The evening must be spent together as well? Agreed. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. demoiselle muchachaenlaventana Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Yes. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. Thats what next times are for! And please, do not take that literally, I just couldnt come up with a better one. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. I wouldnt worry about ityet. Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. Have you tried just not going? ReginaRey I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. ForeverYoung Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. I thought the same thing. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Blondie But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest muchachaenlaventana Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? silver_dragon_girl June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Will you LWs simply never learn? are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Bklyn Grl I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Gah what is that. its a really exciting time for your relationship! While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. You go along with him to his familys house. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. Its called enmeshment. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. . The LW and her fellow need to figure out a game plan together, she should be honest about her needs rather than her annoyance. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. lets_be_honest If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Get out and DO something. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? ReginaRey But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. That was my first thought. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. I cant imagine that life! And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. All Im saying is be careful. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. 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Wasnt for me or any of my friends personalities changed drastically bitter,,... He spends at when i husband wants to spend every weekend with his family in Paris my host siblings were like that pacify your BF saying.
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